In Closing

Standard

Jenner

Dear 2012:

It seems like just yesterday that I was addressing you formally, asking you to straighten up your act and fly right, to slow down so time doesn’t fly so quickly. I wrote you an open letter pointing out that you weren’t being friendly so far, and respectfully requested that we do this thing together.

This was a hard year for me. And I’ll be the first to admit that it didn’t go according to plan (which reminds me, I need to not try to plan everything so much). My mantra was ‘this year sucks’ and it stuck with me. I had a lot of scary hurdles, ones with spikes and flames, set before me, each one higher than the one before it. Some I flew over. Others I walked around. A girl has to choose her battles.

I didn’t start working out more, but I’ve never been one to exercise and actually enjoy it, so something has to give. I would like to find something that doesn’t feel like such a chore when I do it thrice weekly, that doesn’t cost an arm and a leg to do (local yogis, I’m side-eyeing you). I did take my swim class, but when I wasn’t working I cancelled my gym membership because it was something I couldn’t afford and could live without. I didn’t lose the 30 lbs. that I wanted to either, but I’ve mostly made peace with that too.

I did have my garden this year, and while it wasn’t at my own little house it was still a nice little garden. In the coming year I’m joining forces with a friend who has a great spot for a garden and we’re going to double down on our efforts. And we moved, which was on the docket for the year. We moved under duress and it didn’t feel like the experience it should have been (but when is moving fun, right?). And all of our family and our friends pitched in and made it a breeze, we were so thankful. Are we in our perfect home? No. Do we love it and recognize our good fortune to find such a beautiful place to live that we can afford, in this outrageously expensive county? Yes. Someday we’ll have a house with a yard again, but for now an upstairs flat with hardwood floors, beautiful views and a gourmet kitchen is nothing to sneeze at and we are so thankful.

I got that ‘time’ that I whined about, in the form of not working a traditional job for the entirety of the spring and summer. While unplanned and entirely scary, it taught me a lot about myself, reminded me how to make a dollar stretch when you don’t know where the next one is coming from, and showed me just how much Having Not is better than Having (i.e. not having a job as opposed to having a high paying job that makes you physically and mentally sick, not having that new pair of shoes that are stunning and on sale but having a houseful of those you love over for dinner on that same $30, you get the idea). I was scared shitless most of the time that I wasn’t working, worrying about all kinds of things that were beyond my control. And just when I put my foot down and stopped worrying, I found a great job at an amazing company, doing something that I never ever thought I’d be able to do, much less do well. Getting out of my comfort zone for just a few minutes put me smack dab in the middle of an even better one. After a couple months at said job I was having lunch with a friend who was also my boss for a long time, and when I told her I was back in sales I expected her to laugh. And laugh she did, at the fact that I ran screaming from something and came full circle back to it. She praised my decision and said that I have a mind for it, whether I like it or not. She’s not one to sugar coat things and it made me even more proud of my decision.

And I’m still a stress case. I’ve always been one, even my mom will tell you that I have always had deep worries in my heart, most of them completely unfounded. It is who I am, and I’m OK with it. Being a worrywort stress case also makes me a control freak (Cadi? A control freak? Nooo…). Yeah I said it. If I can control a situation I don’t have to worry about it. Most of the time it’s helpful, the rest of the time it’s like herding cats. But it’s me. I did read an article yesterday about the top 10 jobs for control freaks, and wouldn’t you know that the first job listed is Sales? I had to laugh. And I didn’t do the swimming and yoga or as much gardening as I thought I should, but damn if I didn’t hone my sewing skills this year. I can’t stress out when I sew, because it requires so much single-minded thought that I just can’t think about anything else (just ask that loaf of bread that got forgotten in the oven this summer ~ always set a timer when sewing). And I have a handful of great new clothes and pillows for my house that are one-of-a-kind and mine all mine.

Looking back, 2012, I do see that there were a lot of good things this year, that came in strange packages. It took some long gazes at some of them to see what they really were. On this end of the year, I have to say you shaped up your act, 2012. And I also have to say, so did I.

See you around, 2012. And thanks, for everything.

~Cadi

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